the family that ties and gags

My cousin is considering running away from home. We've been texting since November of last year and I know that she has been plotting to do that even during that time.

I understand her need to push through with it. I myself have disassociated myself from my mother's sisters since last year. They're a difficult bunch to decipher, a set of hard hearts. When I try to recall the things that transpired during the months when my mother was sick, I find that I can only come up with a handful of vague scenes, all involving one of my aunts telling stories about my mother. Unsavory tales of self-love and laziness and a propensity for telling lies. That was who my mother was for them in a nutshell... so different from the woman I have known and grown to love with every inch of my life.

I secretly hated them for telling me those stories and for the blatant disrespect they showed my family. How they belittled my mother's love for us and the way we were raised. But I couldn't really do anything at that time because I was lost in the haze of my own confusion and feelings of loss. Plus, I did not have a job then, or a place to stay in. I let them help us and used the time to plan on how I would get away from them once I got a good paying job.

The person whom I despised the most was my godmother, who also happens to be one of the worst apples in that ugly basket. She told me just one story, but she told it with such detachment, as if she were talking about peas or how harsh the sunlight felt on her skin. She told me the story of the time when my mother, in a sudden fit of rage, commanded all of them to get out of the house that she bought for them to live in then sold it to the first person who got interested in it. My godmother told it with a face as blank as a slate and I was stunned by how truly she disliked my mother. I remember keeping silent, storing the memory for future use. I never forgot that day, and how it planted in me a seed of quiet hate.

A year passed and I got tired of them all. I could no longer stand the identical looks of disapproval I got from them when an expectation was not met. I could no longer grasp the relevance of certain pointless traditions that they stubbornly fought to keep. I could no longer make room in my life for their funny little arrangements.

So I just quit them. I quit the people I've grown up with and my surrogate mothers. And I'm fine, really. My brother and I live better with this arrangement. There was once a time when I thought it'd be impossible to survive without them. Now I'm happier, more at ease.

I would like to wish my cousin the same relaxed existence that I am now enjoying. But from her rather desperate messages, I'm getting the idea that she's not prepared to leave. Emotionally, financially, even mentally. What she wants is for her and her lover to come meet me at the place where I work. Maybe, she's also hoping that I offer her a place to stay and a considerable amount of moolah. A place to stay is impossible, as I'm also just living with a family that was good enough to take me in. Money is a no no as well. And she wants to meet up on a holiday and I've already made plans.

I feel selfish but I know that I have earned the right to be. I've worked hard to be where I am and have tried not to accept favors from anyone along the way. I am not willing to rearrange my life for anyone, especially not for someone who seems so shockingly unprepared to face the consequences of this giant step she's making.

I want her to get out of that place, to help her seek a niche of her own. But how can I do that if she's being so ridiculously naive? I want to tell her that this is not a movie where the heroine runs away and gets through unbelievable obstacles and even gets the guy. I want to tell her that the heroine who runs away will not have an easy life, that she would face hardships that she may not be able to overcome but she should have the balls to be okay at the end of each episode inspite of the world, inspite of herself. Life is not a romantic rerun. I want to tell her all these things and I will tell her tomorrow. Tomorrow, she'll be able to understand what I want her to know.